Secure Attachment: The Relationship Style We All Need

Secure attachment is not a personality trait that some people have, and others don’t. When I started practicing as a therapist, many of my clients would ask about attachment styles. I’ll admit it felt like pop psychology rather than something we learned in graduate school. I dismissed its impact until I needed something deeper in my own life to help me break relationship patterns.

I stumbled across a podcast episode with Thais Gibson and Mel Robbins about attachment. Thais said something that made me pause and think. She pointed out that many people discuss attachment styles as if they were personalities, similar to the ENNEAGRAM. But this is a fundamental misunderstanding. There’s only one attachment style you want to have—secure attachment. The rest are patterns you want to break. Thais was the first person I heard clearly state what needed to change in order to develop a secure attachment.

Here’s what a secure attachment style looks like:

A secure person views criticism as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal attack. They can also identify when criticism isn’t constructive but is actually someone’s indirect way of expressing different relationship needs. Secure individuals effectively communicate their needs, navigate conflict, and express feelings in ways that strengthen trust and deepen connection.

In order to become more secure, you need to activate your subconscious mind. Many attachment wounds come from a caregiver and what you experienced growing up. It doesn’t mean your parents were bad per say but may have neglected your emotional needs all together, sometimes, or created high standards that were impossible to reach. All of these factors could create an insecure attachment. In order to reprogram you need to speak to your subconscious mind. Your subconscious speaks in images and not words, which is something that Thais emphasizes. Identify your core wounds and speak to your subconscious mind about times when the opposite was true.

Reprogram your subconscious mind

Think about ten times when your core wound did not take place.

Core Wounds from Insecure Attachment

Anxious Attachment:

• Fear of abandonment and rejection

• Belief that you’re not worthy of consistent love

• Deep need for validation and reassurance

• Feeling like you’re “too much” for others

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment:

• Fear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability

• Belief that you must be self-sufficient

• Deep-seated distrust of others’ intentions

• Fear of losing independence in relationships

Fearful Avoidant Attachment or Disorganized attachment:

• Conflicting fears of both abandonment and intimacy

• Difficulty trusting yourself and others

• Feeling fundamentally unsafe in relationships

• Belief that you are deeply flawed or broken

Common Healing Affirmations:

• I am worthy of consistent, reliable love

• I can trust myself and others

• It’s safe to be vulnerable and ask for what I need

• I deserve to feel secure in my relationships

• My feelings and needs matter

Record and listen back to it for 21 days.

Steps to Reprogram Your Subconscious for Secure Attachment

1. Identify your attachment pattern and core wounds from the list above

2. Write down 10 specific memories that contradict each core wound

   • Example: Times when people stayed despite conflict

   • Example: Moments when vulnerability led to deeper connection

   • Example: Situations where you received consistent support

3. Create personalized affirmations based on these positive experiences

   • Make them specific and tied to real memories

   • Use present tense language

   • Include emotional elements

4. Record yourself speaking these affirmations and memories

   • Speak slowly and with emotional conviction

   • Include brief pauses between statements

   • Keep the total recording under 10 minutes

5. Establish a daily listening routine

   • Listen upon waking or before sleep

   • Maintain practice for minimum 21 days

   • Create a calm environment for listening

6. Track your progress

   • Journal about changes in your relationship patterns

   • Note shifts in emotional responses

   • Document new secure behaviors as they emerge

Remember: Consistency is key in this process. Your subconscious mind learns through repetition and emotional connection to experiences.

Another direction to focus on is to give yourself what you feel your caregiver was unable or did not give to you. We are adults now and can give ourselves what we need to meet our emotional needs. This gave me a lot of hope and peace. I think being able to identify what we were missing that created the insecure attachment is half the battle. When you can identify that you have the control to work on your own secure attachment leaving yourself with less feelings of hopelessness or feelings of not being able to control how you react to relationships. Below are a few quotes I found from Thais about caregivers that resonated with me.

Quotes from Thais Gibson on Caregivers and Secure Attachment

“Our attachment wounds don’t just come from our primary caregivers; they can also develop through significant relationships throughout our lives. However, our earliest relationships set the foundation for how we view connection.”

“When a caregiver is inconsistently available—sometimes attuned and sometimes not—a child learns that love is unpredictable. This creates the anxious attachment pattern where we’re constantly scanning for signs of rejection or abandonment.”

“Secure attachment doesn’t mean perfect parenting. It means caregivers who were emotionally available and responsive enough of the time that you developed a sense of safety in relationships.”

“The beautiful thing about attachment is that it can be earned at any point in our lives. We can become our own secure base by consistently showing up for ourselves in ways our caregivers couldn’t.”

“When we understand that our attachment patterns were adaptive responses to our childhood environments, we can release shame and approach healing with compassion rather than judgment.”

“The goal isn’t to blame our caregivers but to understand how these early experiences shaped our relationship patterns so we can consciously create new, healthier ones.”

As someone who is striving for secure attachments in her relationships I fell in love with the idea that we CAN have a secure attachment and that it is in our control and power to work towards this.

Christianity and Attachment

In the context of Christianity, attachment theory offers a profound framework for understanding faith relationships. Just as our attachment styles influence human connections, they shape our relationship with God. Many Christians view God as the ultimate secure base—a divine parent who is consistently available, responsive, and unconditionally loving. The biblical narrative frequently portrays God as a loving father and Jesus as a secure attachment figure who provides comfort and safety.

For those with insecure attachment patterns from earthly relationships, developing a secure attachment to God can be healing, offering a corrective emotional experience. Christian spiritual practices like prayer, worship, and meditation can function as activities that strengthen one’s secure connection to God. The community aspect of faith also provides opportunities to practice secure attachment behaviors with others while being held in God’s greater love. This spiritual dimension of attachment offers many believers an additional pathway toward healing and growth beyond purely psychological approaches.

Conversely, insecure attachments with people in our lives and faith communities can hinder our ability to view God as a safe haven for our emotions and needs. This is where reprogramming techniques become valuable in our relationship with God. Scripture meditation focused on God’s character and nature can serve as another powerful resource for healing insecure attachment patterns.

Secure attachment is a journey

In the journey towards secure attachment, remember that progress isn’t always linear—and that’s perfectly okay! Whether you’re working through anxious tendencies, avoidant patterns, or a mix of both, each step forward is worth celebrating. The beauty of this work is that it belongs to you; you get to decide how to heal and grow in your own unique way. So be gentle with yourself, celebrate your small wins, and know that with consistent practice, you’re creating healthier relationships both with yourself and others. Here’s to becoming more secure, one day at a time!

Try these connection cards to further build connection with your partner