How to Work with a Narcissist

Working with a narcissist can be one of the most challenging experiences in a professional setting. Narcissists often display traits such as an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While you can't change their behavior, you can learn strategies to protect your well-being and maintain productivity in the workplace.

The best course of action is to leave a job that requires you to work with a narcissist, but unfortunately this isn’t always an option. So, if you find yourself in the position where you have to work with someone with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) this blog post is for you.

Understanding Narcissistic Behavior

Before diving into strategies, it's important to understand what you're dealing with.

Narcissists typically:

• Seek constant validation and praise

• Take credit for others' work

• Lack genuine empathy for colleagues

• React defensively to criticism

• Manipulate situations to maintain control

• Create a competitive rather than collaborative environment

• Lack follow through, will not keep promises or commitments.

I love how Dr. Nicole Lipkin of Forbes describes people with NPD:

“DSM-level narcissists are high functioning mentally ill people who are able to hold down jobs - often excelling at them - and assimilate into society because they don’t present as severely mentally ill. They’re not sitting on park benches in tattered clothing shouting at no one.”

And this is why it’s important to understand and recognize the patterns. Narcissists are not creative. They all play similar games.

Understanding "Flying Monkeys"

The term "flying monkeys" comes from The Wizard of Oz and refers to people who do the narcissist's bidding, often unknowingly. These are colleagues, friends, or even supervisors whom the narcissist manipulates to carry out their agenda—whether that's spreading gossip, questioning your credibility, or pressuring you to reconcile or change your behavior. Flying monkeys genuinely believe they're being helpful or neutral, but they're actually reinforcing the narcissist's control. The narcissist is skilled at presenting themselves as the victim or the reasonable party, which makes others want to defend them or "fix" the situation. Recognizing flying monkeys is crucial because it helps you understand that not everyone who approaches you with concern has the full picture. You don't owe these individuals detailed explanations, and engaging too much can feed information back to the narcissist. Instead, maintain your boundaries, keep responses brief and professional, and remember that the people being used as flying monkeys are also being manipulated—they're just not the target.

Flying monkeys can be the most painful part of working with a narcissist. They use the people closest to you to control you, extend the abuse, and paint you as the problem. This causes immense pain and confusion for victims of narcissistic abuse. It's the reason I'm so passionate about discussing this topic. If you haven't worked with a narcissist or experienced narcissistic abuse—be careful not to become a flying monkey.

Behavioral Characteristics

Flying monkeys typically exhibit the following traits:

• Submissive loyalty: They do whatever the narcissist asks without pushback—even when it hurts someone else.

• Gossip and manipulation: They might spread rumors about you, twist your words to make you doubt yourself, or act like your feelings don't matter.

• Lack of empathy: They're so focused on keeping the narcissist happy that they completely ignore how their actions hurt you and others around them.

• Alignment with the narcissist: They tend to side with the narcissist most of the time, even in situations where the narcissist may be in the wrong.

Practical Strategies for Working with a Narcissist

1. Set Clear Boundaries with Yourself

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is next to impossible when working with a narcist. Boundaries will only agitate and create the environment worse. This is why working with someone with NPD is detrimental to your mental health. Instead, set clear boundaries for yourself. When I worked with someone who had narcissistic tendencies, I didn’t answer their phone calls and only texted when it was absolutely necessary. That boundary never had to be communicated. It was just something I told myself in order to feel like I had some control over my interactions with them.

Don't allow them to monopolize your time. Limit communication and / or the attention you give to them. Many times, you cannot prevent the NPD taking credit for your work, belittling your ideas, going on a slandering campaign about you or involving you in their drama unless your boss knows what you are dealing with.

Unfortunately, NPDs are extremely charismatic and usually only has one scapegoat they use as an “example”. Many people will not feel like there would need to be a boundary with that person unless they are the scapegoat. Narcissists use people like pawns and will usually send people you trust as “flying monkeys” to gaslight you into thinking you are the issue. This is such a common strategy and its how people with NPD stay in control and continue to grow professionally while “keeping you in your place”. Politely but firmly redirect conversations that become inappropriate or unproductive. The best thing you can do is to not react.

2. Document Everything

Keep detailed records of your work, contributions, and communications. This protects you if the narcissist tries to take credit for your accomplishments, gossip about you, or distort the truth about a situation. Email summaries after meetings, maintain project logs, and save important correspondence.

3. Don't Take It Personally

Remember that a narcissist's behavior is about them, not you. Their criticism, dismissiveness, or attempts to undermine you reflect their own insecurities and need for control. Developing emotional distance can help you maintain perspective and not internalize their negativity. This is key!

4. Manage Your Expectations

Don't expect empathy, genuine collaboration, or acknowledgment from a narcissist. Adjust your expectations to match reality. When you stop hoping for validation or understanding from them, their behavior becomes less disappointing and easier to navigate.

5. Use Strategic Communication

When communicating with a narcissist:

• Keep conversations focused and professional

• Frame suggestions in ways that appeal to their self-interest

• Avoid emotional reactions that give them power

• Use "gray rock" technique when necessary—be boring and unresponsive to drama

• Give credit strategically when it helps move projects forward

6. Build Strong Relationships with Others

Cultivate positive relationships with other colleagues and supervisors. This creates a support network and ensures that others see your contributions and value. A narcissist has less power to undermine you when you have established credibility with the broader team. Again, look out for “flying monkeys” that the narcissist will try to use to bring you back under their control. This will look like a co-worker telling you you’re wrong to be cautious or telling you how amazing the narcissist is even after you’ve told your co-worker what the individual did to hurt you. Many times, the narcissist is an expert at turning people against you, isolating you and creating a narrative that you are “crazy” or the “bad guy”.

7. Pick Your Battles

Not every interaction requires a response. Determine what's worth addressing and what you can let go. Engaging with every slight or manipulation will exhaust you. Focus your energy on situations that truly impact your work or well-being.

8. Protect Your Self-Esteem

Working with a narcissist can erode your confidence over time. Regularly remind yourself of your accomplishments and value. I wrote affirmations and Bible verses on a mirror to counteract the feelings of unworthiness that came from working with such a self-focused individual. Seek feedback from trusted colleagues, maintain interests outside of work, and consider working with a therapist if the situation significantly impacts your mental health.

9. Know When to Escalate

If the narcissist's behavior crosses into harassment, bullying, or creates a hostile work environment, document the incidents and report them to HR or management. You have the right to a respectful workplace—some behaviors should not be tolerated. Start a paper trail with HR as soon as you feel anxious or notice your chest tightening when going into work. If you trust your boss, you could try that route too, but proceed with caution.

10. Consider Your Options

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the situation may be untenable. If working with a narcissist is significantly affecting your mental health, career growth, or quality of life, it may be time to explore other opportunities within the organization or elsewhere. Your well-being should always be the priority. I knew it was time to move on when I developed health issues and my body started to respond to the stress.

What Not to Do

Avoid these common mistakes when dealing with a narcissist:

• Don't try to change them or appeal to their empathy

• Don't engage in power struggles or try to "win"

• Don't share personal information they could use against you

• Don't expect them to take responsibility for mistakes

• Don't isolate yourself—maintain connections with supportive colleagues

Taking Care of Yourself

Working with a narcissist requires significant emotional energy. Make self-care a priority:

• Practice stress-reduction techniques like meditation or exercise

• Maintain clear work-life boundaries

• Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist

• Engage in activities that restore your sense of self

• Remember that you deserve respect and consideration

If You're an Employer of a Narcissist

If you're in a leadership position and suspect you're managing someone with narcissistic tendencies, it's crucial to address the situation thoughtfully and strategically. Narcissistic employees can be highly productive (good at making money too) and charismatic, which often masks the damage they cause to team dynamics, morale, and the well-being of their colleagues. As an employer, you have a responsibility to protect your team from toxic behavior while also managing the narcissist fairly and professionally. Document patterns of behavior, gather feedback from multiple sources, and don't dismiss complaints from team members—especially if you notice a pattern of one person being repeatedly targeted.

Keep in mind that most narcissists won't stay in an environment where they're held accountable rather than admired, validated, or praised. They tend to leave any setting that doesn't feed their fragile ego—whether it's families, churches, or workplaces. You may already be aware of this because chances are they've already threatened to leave and may do this often. This means protecting your employees from a narcissistic coworker may be easier than you think.

Implement clear performance expectations and accountability measures that apply to everyone. Consider whether the narcissist's contributions truly outweigh the cost to your team's mental health and productivity. Sometimes, the most talented individuals create the most damage, and protecting your team may mean making difficult decisions about that person's future with the organization. Remember that enabling narcissistic behavior by ignoring it or making excuses ultimately harms your entire workplace culture.

A Personal Note

I was able to work with someone with NPD traits for two - three years after being the “target”. It put a ton of stress on my relationships and mental health. I don’t wish it on anyone, but I understand the weight of needing a job and to power through it. I have to say it did get easier once I recognized the patterns, games, and lack of empathy. I was able to lower my expectations of the individual. I am proud of my younger self for the work I put into understanding, coping, growing, and how I handled the situation. You can do it. I am cheering you on!

Final Thoughts

Working with a narcissist is challenging, but understanding their behavior patterns and implementing protective strategies can help you maintain your professionalism and well-being. Focus on what you can control—your responses, boundaries, and self-care—rather than trying to change someone who is unlikely to change.

Remember that you're not alone in this experience, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether through professional counseling, trusted colleagues, or resources on navigating difficult workplace relationships, help is available. You have the right to work in an environment where you feel valued and respected.

If you'd like to work with Hannah as a therapist to work through narcissistic abuse, you can inquire here:

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