Creating Safe Spaces: A Guide to Befriending Your Pastor’s Wife

Understanding and Supporting Your Pastor’s Wife

Being a pastor’s wife comes with unique challenges and responsibilities that many church members may not fully understand. I certainly did not before becoming one. I worked with many pastors and growing up was close friends with our pastor’s kids. I had no idea the struggle that is in this role. In today’s society, virtually no other role is so closely tied to a woman’s husband as that of a pastor’s wife—with perhaps the only exception being a president and the first lady. While she often plays a vital role in ministry alongside her husband, she’s also an individual with her own needs, struggles, and desires for authentic connection.

The first thing that always comes to mind when I think about being a pastor’s wife and my complicated feelings towards the role is a conversation I had when I was in the midst of Bible college. A friend of mine told me, “Hannah you don’t want to be married to a pastor.” I don’t remember the context of the conversation or why it came up but I thought about how she was a pastor’s kid and took her word for it. Now, going to Bible college such as Moody Bible Institute made this a very real possibility and a very real impossibility. On one hand I was studying with guys who were studying to be pastors, obviously, but on the other hand, I never thought that I was pastor wife material. I got into debates at the cafeteria with many “future pastors” who loved to debate theology but didn’t like to be disagreed with. I went on to think that was the reason I graduated from college single. I had a voice and I would use it. Fast forward to 7 years in ministry, married to a pastor, and I now see that personality trait is perfect for a pastor’s wife.

Why should you care?

Right before the pandemic we experienced a rash of pastors failing very publicly. There were all kinds of reasons why these things happened. Social media and other media platforms shed light on something that is much more common than we think. There were pastors who mismanaged money, threatened those who got in the way of their power, sexual abuse allegations, and affairs.

Whenever I hear about events like this I always think about the wife. What did she think about all of this? Was she ok? And lastly, when did she lose her voice in the relationship? We rarely ever hear from her side of the story. And this fact makes me extremely sad.

Really, I know the answer to why we never hear from her. We put our pastors’ wives in a very vulnerable place. Along with pastors too, but especially for their wives. In evangelical churches, regardless of your stance on women’s roles in church, there is no denying that there’s a silencing of their voices. A pastor’s wife is no different, which makes a pastor’s wife extremely vulnerable.

Here are several reasons why pastors’ wives often find themselves in vulnerable positions:

• Limited ability to form deep friendships due to fear of information being used against their husband or the church

• Financial vulnerability – many pastors’ families live on modest salaries while facing high expectations for appearance and lifestyle

• Emotional isolation – feeling unable to share struggles or seek support due to their public role

• Lack of personal privacy – their family life, parenting, and personal choices are often under constant scrutiny

• Professional limitations – some may feel pressure to limit their own career aspirations to support their husband’s ministry

• Mental health stigma – may feel unable to seek counseling or support due to fear of judgment or impact on their husband’s ministry

• Identity challenges – often struggling to maintain their own identity separate from their role as “the pastor’s wife"

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These vulnerabilities can create a perfect storm where pastor’s wives feel trapped, voiceless, and unable to reach out for help when they need it most.

I believe if a pastor’s wife was less isolated in her church community pastors would have fewer moral failings. There’s two reasons why I feel this would be true. First, it takes humility for any spouse to listen to their partner’s feedback. If a wife is giving feedback to their husband that is just creating a stronger relationship and encouraging individual growth. And if a pastor’s wife feels empowered within her church community and not silenced, this will help build into her family and marriage. John and I always talk about how every church leader, ESPECIALLY, should be listening to their wives and if they are not, it’s a major red flag. The Bible uses the same word for the Holy Spirit when referring to women/ wives. That means listen to her! Secondly, any marriage becomes unhealthy in isolation — a pastor and his wife are no exception. Having community would give a wife the strength, encouragement, self-esteem to set boundaries, recognize red flags, and speak up when things are not ok at home.

So, here’s a few tips on how to be a support to your pastor’s wife.

Understanding Her Unique Position

Pastor’s wives often face specific challenges that can make forming genuine friendships difficult:

• Living in a “fishbowl” environment where their actions are frequently observed and scrutinized

• Balancing ministry responsibilities with personal and family life

• Having anxiety about what a member will say about her husband in front of her

• Sometimes feeling isolated or unable to share openly about their struggles

Practical Ways to Show Support

Here are meaningful ways to support and connect with your pastor’s wife:

• Respect her boundaries and private time with family

• Offer practical help during busy ministry seasons

• Include her in social activities unrelated to church duties

• Keep conversations confidential and avoid sharing personal information with others

• Don’t expect her to be the gateway to her husband or church leadership

• Understand that weekends are busy for her and her family

Building Authentic Friendship

To develop a genuine friendship with your pastor’s wife:

• Get to know her as a person, not just in her role as a pastor’s wife

• Share your own life experiences and be vulnerable when appropriate

• Respect her perspective and avoid using her as a sounding board for church complaints

• Be consistent in your friendship, not just when you need something

Supporting Her Spiritual Journey

Remember that your pastor’s wife is on her own spiritual journey:

• Pray for her regularly without telling her about every prayer

• Encourage her in her personal gifts and ministry callings

• Allow her to be authentic in her faith walk, including struggles and doubts

• Don’t expect her to be the perfect Christian example

Creating Safe Spaces

Help create environments where she can be herself:

• Maintain strict confidentiality about things she shares

• Defend her privacy when others try to pry

• Be a listening ear

• Create opportunities for her to connect with other women outside the church context

• Be a safe person who doesn’t gossip or share church drama

Remember that your pastor’s wife is first and foremost a person who needs genuine friendship, understanding, and support. By trying out these tips, you can develop a meaningful relationship that enriches both your lives while respecting the unique aspects of her role in ministry.